` & yes, we're accidentally in love <3 `

~ PLAYBACK MEMORIES ~

FAMILY.

I had realised that FAMILY is very important in this world . Family couldn't be compared with BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS/STEADS . Why am i saying this ?

I had moments which i had totally lost my family . I had suffered at my young age and i grew up with this suffer . The suffer which kept going on for 5-6 straight years . I was only kindergaten by then when i felt a sense of lost in this world . Although im only like 4-5 years old, i was just feeling a sense of lost and embarass by my family . Things worsen when i entered Primary 1 . I was "abandon" and a feeling that i wasn't being loved or cared by my family members . At that point of time, i couldn't do anything at my young age . All i could do is, to go school and be back home getting scolded almost every single day . I hate everyone in my family at that point of time . Just HATRED . I was jealous when my classmates' parents picked them up from school or just be there whenever my friends need it . But for me, nobody was there to ask me stuff that i wanted to know and nobody is there for me . I don't know the feeling of hurt or stress . I only know that i wasn't loved and cared . Every single day, tears would rolled down my cheeks from my dad's scolding . I had witnessed ALOT when i was young. Things were still the same when i was in Primary 2 . But it's a choice of either, mom or dad . I felt like i had no parents at all for that moment . I don't care what you want to say or tease about me as i've been teased alot of times before . I'm used to it, don't worry . But why can't i just have both of my parents everytime on my side ? By then, i began to just lock myself in my room and cry all day long . Those moments were the one when i had NOBODY to turn to and just be on my own standing in the room crying and reaching out my hand if there's going to be any soul who could just come to me and talk to me . I cried myself to sleep. I was looked down by everybody in my school . Yes, LOOKED DOWN . Nobody wants to be friends with me too cause i dont have a perfect family. I felt hurt . Every day, i pinched myself to see whether im having a nightmare or not . But, it's reality . Primary 3 soon came and things were still the same . In fact, it get worst . I still remembered an incident whereby my father even wanted to punch me hard right to my face . I was too young, daddy . At the process of primary 2 and 3, i plunged in my studies . At the stage of primary 3, i was really skinny. When im back from home, nobody would be at home . I starved myself as there's no cooking . Sometimes i also regretted of being born in this family and i just hope for hoping everything as a dream . Every night, it hurts me to hear whatever my dad said to me at that time . It hurts me deeply and im just being patient by not talking-back and just let it hurt deeply inside me . But my Dad wouldn't stop . Family problems had really affected me alot at that time . I was being kicked by my parents like a ball . Being there and here and repeating the same routine . Im just tired ! TIRED ! I was even seperated from my sisters . I do alot of foolish things and my studies aren't that good . I even go jealous and sad seeing other family celebrating Hari Raya in the same Baju Kurong and going out together. It's sad when you know that what you used to have had gone so fast . Example like going out together as a family and also breaking fast together and joking around together at home . But, everything is gone . I even prayed hardly for my parents to get back together when i know they can't . It's stupid, i know .

Now, tears trickled down my cheeks as im typing on this keyboard . Flashbacks happened and it's a very frightening scene . When i reached primary 6, i began to realise that it wasn't only me who suffered at that stage of my life, few people were suffering too, and that is my FAMILY . My sisters worked hard just to support my family . Every single day, me and my sisters would face whatever that happens . And my sisters had really made ALOT of sacrifices for me at that point of time . It made me cry when they told me how they feel and what they do and stuff like that to me when we were having discussions about our family matters. Just the sisters . I regret hating them and being on my own when the disaster was happening . I should had talked and helped my sister during that disaster, but instead, i made it worse by hating them .

My sisters and I really suffered alot during the disaster . I also had a sickness during those disaster times . I still remember one incident that really touched me when i recall it back . I'm not gonna state it here but i would really like to say thank you to my first sister for that sacrifice . I had caused trouble for her . My dad was facing a terrible situation too. When i think about it back, i regret hating him either . I was wrong . I was wrong about all those conclusions of "nobody-cared-about-me" during the disaster . When i heard his story about his feelings and stuff.. It totally made me cry . HE DID ALOT, WAAAAY ALOT OF SACRIFICES . He even got work and family matters mixed up just because of this family problem . As soon as i know, it wouldn't be that difficult if i wasn't even born to this earth . My existence made the whole thing difficult ! But my dad even cried every day just because of these problems . Even if you let him watch a very and most sad movie in the whole world, he wouldn't cry, but i guess this must really hurt him the most and it must be sad, in fact too sad that he even cried . When i think about it, i could differentiate the difference between now and then .

I really salute my first sister for being able to persevere despite this disaster that was happening then . My first sister could complete her studies in National University Of Singapore despite things that happen . She even work and study at the same time . She even got to cook for us and she always got scolded . Why wouldn't i realise that it's a big sacrifice that she was making earlier ?! Why would i even hate her ?! I regret, yes i totally do . Now, thinking back about those hard times that i had, it's just an horrible experience but it will always be etched in my mind . Time flies fast and now, i have quite a nice and comforable life . Just like what i've been wishing for ; the disaster to be over and to have laughing days and not crying ones . Im happy with what i have now and currently, leading my life just like a normal family . Well perhaps my family is SPECIAL . =)

Treasure and Cherish your FAMILY . Without them, they would be NO happiness . Trust me, i've been through alot just to realise this .
Miss Shaikah signing out =) TATA !

*Thursday, January 04, 2007

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Time

! FREAKS !

THE CRAPPERS :

We are just full of CRAP . PEACE .